Lavish Like Leaf

Yesteday i was free. Free as an autumn leaf released from its branch and brethen -- floating freely in the breeze pushed by winds of all directions before it hits the ground and is trampled underfoot or ran over by some vehicle. Basically, i was free. But, free from what? Free from obligation to study, and that's really about it. And yet, this freedom, for a dying moment, felt like the freedom of a slave forced to study under the dictatorship of parents and at the same time, self-propelled to achieve for myself. I detached myself from whatsoever educational material, its now all about going bananas!

I sat in the coffeeshop by imbi accompanying my friend, Lye to have his late lunch. I witness the hurrying hordes of cars passing by eagerly, the unsettling noise and the glaring sun, it was these that gave me the sweet caress of freedom -- if even for a fleeting instant. It was a feeling where you have can stare into blankness and have no guilt. No guilt of watching the seconds tick away on my sporty yellow adidas watch. For three months now, i am free to the limited degree an illusory freedom grants us. But, this illusion was still beautiful. And in this illusion, we all see like mirage in the desert of life, - it will always be beautiful, be desirable.

And yet, deep inside i know, so clearly know that it would not last. It won't be long that i'll be occupied with something very soon. I click open my schedule calender on my cellphone and i see reminder all over the dates in the month. Reminder of friend's birthday, to submit accomodation form, to purchase tickets, to this, to that. Its good in a way that it makes yourself more organized and experienced. Sorting out your life like a puzzle on a giant board.

Hanging Out At Dee's Corner

I close my eyes, and try to sleep. I open my eyes, why am i not asleep? "Not again" i thought to myself. I figured a new tactic, so i open my eyes as wide as possible and refuse to blink my eye. After sometime, my eyes were filled with tears and no longer able to keep the lids up. 30 minutes later, i open my eyes again. Santa Maria! I am still awake. My brain refuse to rest and actively function.

I should drop asleep right away. My day was tiring, and yet enjoyable. There is nothing better than hanging out at a friend's house messing about with stuffs and chat whatever that comes to mind. This is how it went, I woke up on a public holiday enjoying my coffee and sandwich while reading news off my laptop. Suddenly, my cellphone beeped and it began to vibrate rhythmically like it has shivers down its spine. Since its a phone, I doubt it is able to feel cold, especially to freeze and shiver. What am i saying?. Well, it was a SoS from Dee. She needed help and i am most willing to help. Ryan to the rescue!. Its like how Batman works, you drop a signal,then rescue is on its way. I don't really like Batman, Batman is gay.


The Mask rule.

*If you are reading this Dee, i hope you did well on that paper*. Anyway, she looks great in home clothes, no need for fancy dresses and magic potions. It seems like a great coincidence anyway, this semester i learnt numerical methods, probability and statistics for engineers, while Dee is having problem in business statistics. I could understand 75% of her syllabus, in fact the calculation for her paper much very much basic. Could it be a coincidence? I'd like to think not.

I got to know Heidi's brother today, Nigel. From his room, i can tell that he likes badminton and he reads lame Harry Potter books. Simply tragic, how did this book of minimal quality get so many readers? Publicity i'd say! Not to forget, thanks to Hollywood for producing the movie based on the book, now millions of teenagers read that limited-creativity-literature.

Why do people read Harry potter? Because they don't know what is good to read. Lets put it this way, Adam is a young kid who wants to pick up reading as a pasttime. "What book should i read?" Adam thought to himself, he picks up the newspaper and flips hurriedly to the books section. He points his finger on the popular books read for fiction, Harry Potter and his rubbish story appeared on the list, he sets off to purchase the book. He didn't regret, no he didn't because he didn't know he should. He got nothing better to compare too!.

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Haha, i am so biased. So what? This is my blog, i rule here!. LoL.

Blast it, Lost a whole 500 word text while blogging.
[#(*$^#Y$*&^X&*^&*^X&^#@^!%U Blogger]

Examination, Why Thy Own Me?

Splendid way to begin my day, being awfully late for drum class which means plenty of adrenalin rush in my bathing, eating and driving. Yes, i overtook cars left and right as if i own the highway. Believe it or not, today is the first time in this year that i entered a cinema. I'm sure most people that knows me would certainly know my dislike for cinemas. I do not hate cinemas, but i just dislike the whole concept. Of course i have enough concrete reasons to do so.


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"Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer."
- Charles Caleb Colton (1780 - 1832)

I came across this quote on a random blog and i couldn't agree more with Sir Charles Caleb Colton. I am always a victim to examinations. Loathful standard examinations! This semester, i must admit i was don't know what happened. I pre-revised in the library quite consistently but i forgot what i learnt when i needed it most, in the examination. *Sighes heavily*

So there was this most recent paper, the subject is Chemical Phase Equilibria. I started my revision on this subject rather early, i progressively understand his examples, solve the past year papers to get familiar with the format and question styles. When i get unsure, i diligently seek help from my lecturer. The examination nears, and i honestly consider myself to be best prepared. "Bloody Hell" i exlaimed as i read the question repeated by scanning the words with my most attentive eyeball. I couldn't relate what i learnt, i find that very need of the question was never mentioned in neither my lecture notes nor lecture slides. On top of that, the pattern of exam paper differs totally from way this subject was tested for the past 5 years. I was quickly despaired, i feel like tearing the paper and go frenzy screaming my way out of the hall. But no, i didn't do it.

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Instead i allow the paper to pawn me maximum without mercy, i remember scribbling, i remember erasing around so much that my table was full of eraser dust. But i am even more sure that my neighbouring exam candidates cannot forget me, i was the only person erasing with vigor and power that my table shook like an earthquake hit just hit the university.

Stinking fool messed up my future, now i'll have crap results again. Which means more dissapointment in everyone that hopes to see me successful and more cheers to those that wants to see me suffer and live in misery.

Let bygones be bygones, let me live in misery of the past.

-Go away, don't touch me-

The Day Parents Are The Topic Of The Day

It's sunday. There was no church instead there was this parents day celebration at the international youth centre. I could not find any interest to be there somehow, lack of motivation in every aspect. So i decided to continue dreaming and prepare for my exam tomorrow.

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My sister entered the room merrily and drag my blanket off hoping that i freeze to death with the unbearable chill air blowing me while yelling to my face to wake up. I simply told her to go away, that i don't want to go and that I want to be alone. She left the room. Someone enters the room then, i can hear sloppy and heavy slaps by a big foot on the ground. Bah! I was freaked out, my dad got his hand wet and slaps my face lightly all over and gave me a threat that he'll take away my notebook if he doesn't see me ready for church. I stare at the window and try to steal some glare from the sun-i got more than what i want i got terribly glared-Ouch.

So i end up at the youth international centre, i remember being here years ago for a leo charity event. This place is still as dull, the fading white paint on the wall, black stain on the staircase handle-- definetely not an interesting place i thought. On my way to climb the stairs to the hall, i can smell malay paprik rice, ah, how i wish i can have that for breakfast.

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Played civil man- introducing, talking, hands shaking before Kumar 'talked' to me about accompanying him to do the introduction for the youth presentation. Eventually, i agreed. Made fools out of three of us and came to watch the youth presentation, The Happy Days band. It was breath-taking, Inspiring, Superduperfabulous, i cant come out with the correct descriptive word....

Just Brilliant!.

Tommy and Matthew leading the performance with their 70's groove and supporting team dancing around. Singing a modified version of 'Oh Carol'. I want to know who edited the lyrics, i want to shake that person's hand, i want to understand his life. Eh, isn't this too much. My hats off to everyone involved in the presentation.

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The best performance was saved for last, the tambourine dance. New moves and definetely groovy and graceful. Guys sitting around me expressed their attraction to the ghost-like-white-faced girl dancing around, her name is Mika. Even a younger kid remarked, "Who is that girl?( Points at Mika) Can introduce to me?" All he gets from Kumar is just plain "All the girls up there are older than you, forget it". I smirked and continue watching my once in a lifetime chance for such a memorable performace.

A paper tomorrow and i played couple of dota games, blogged, and chat around on msn. I am seriously looking for troubles. Pushing myself of the cliff and try to hang on once again to the ground. Forgetting my past dissapointment and promise to prevent such tragic deja vus'. Off to bed, cheers.

The Echo of the Holy Spirit

Two nights ago, i remember myself withdrawing and sheltering under depression. For that period of time, i was hiding from God. I was hiding from myself. Hiding-- just hiding from life. My cloak is but a state of mind, thinking i escaped from everything. I wanted to be in that state for maybe some time before i would decide to let myself slamming into the wall.

God is amazing. I woke up the next day upon disturbed by the noisy audible sound coming from my phone,- it was venglye dragging me into consciousness. Anyhow, then i got all prepared to go to university, while trying to waste time looking around. There was something at the edge of the table. My bible, suffering under the weight of the latest book i am reading-- so i took it out and simply opened the bible. What do you know, it was Roman 12, out of some brain mechanism inside of me, i begin reading. With every word i utter from the bible, there was a drop of tear formed. I could not contain it,-- from my ego, my consciousness, my self, my Lord. Yes, i cried. Sitting in front of nowhere crying continuously until i finished reading the whole chapter.

The word of God is sharp, the word of God is ever powerful. Its english in its most simple platonic form, without complicated literature engine. Every word tears my heart slowly, stirring my state into whirlpool like-- circles that spins on towards the core of the circle. These verses are not just sentences printed on a book.No!, not just published book called Romans placed in the Bible. Its my conversation with God. A monologue perhaps since i am reading it from the Bible, but when i read it aloud, there was an echo. That's right, an echo. The echo of Holy Spirit i reckon. The bottom line is that i decided to crawl out of my shield of depression cheerfully. Gladly. Praise be to the Lord who is my comfort.

Pawned By The Paper

Its the end of the day. I am frustrated. I am grieved. I am dissapointed-in myself mostly. The easiest subject of this semester had just owned me. How am i to face the more difficult papers? How am i to face the dreadful and difficult world in the future? I made mistakes that never disturbed me before, i panicked, i overlooked, i was careless, i deserve to be pawned, i deserve to die.

I got home and i have only one very clear feeling. I feel like quitting. Quitting engineering, quitting studies, quitting exams, quitting... life. I had commited the unpardonable sin-- the sin that i cannot forgive myself. How many gazilion times i told myself, no more careless mistake, no more overlooking. But then again, i am a lousy student, never once scored brilliant results in anything. Never achieved or accomplished anything significant. If i need to achieve something, i got to be in touch with myself. I need to communicate with myself, but how?

Speak mind, speak. Speak to me and tell me something I don't know. Speak to me like a friend and lover; an enemy and ally. Just speak to me and tell me something . . . instead of this endless confusion. Tell me I am great or tell me I am worthless, but tell me something.

Oh but it is all the same and at the same time different. I am a contradiction living in a contradiction. These words are ridiculous and at the same time profound. The work of a genius and the work of an imbecile. They are endless meanderings through a dying gesture. Maybe they will live forever . . . or maybe they are already dead.

A Swing Away

Here i am gazing into the notebook screen early in the morning. The only letter that attracts me is probably the 'z' in the word gazing. I want more sleep. Zzz

However, its just about a swing a way on the clock before my first examination. What creature would sit in front of the notebook and have his fingers dancing on the keyboard instead of studying?. Ah, its just some subject on sand and dust but given such an impressive name -- particle technology mechanics. Why not, 'Fun with Sand and Dust'-- i'm sure it's going to motivate the student better.

So it was mother's day yesterday, i love my mom, i adore her, i love being rebellion and get scolding from her, how else would i know if she cares. I have to admit she looks really young for her age, thanks to technology in face painting. Weird chemicals developed by Dr Frankenstein and Dr Jekyll, after testing on animals are finally sold at high prices which gurantees beauty. My mom was thought to be my sister for several times when i was following her around in shopping malls or supermarts. I'm giving honour and glory to her since its mother's day, i forgot not my dad, mind you. More importantly, Mom's Love Is God's Miracle.

Yesterday was simply brilliant!. Imagine having both your favourite type of food in one day--lunch and dinner. Italian for lunch and chinese feast for dinner, its simply the culture of malaysians to eat like cartoons, continuously gobble up any cooked and deliciously looking edible items. (Sigh, i m hungry--B r e a k f a s t .... come to me..... )

I have one big general goal in life and boy i get weak just thinking of it. I want a huge british house with exquisite surrounding and a marvellous fireplace, a fat american salary, a beautiful chinese +/~ indian wife who would be loyal and, loving~~ maybe the type that would just throw her arms and kiss me when i get home from work, ah! Nothing more i could ask. Ah, and to always have italian and chinese food, to think of it malaysia has every type of food you can think of. People invest in restaurants here because they know people here fuck'n adore food. You can bribe people here with nasi lemak or laksa ( i just learnt the latter works too). Its just digging the best of each nation can offer.

The keyboard dancing performance has to end or else the whole troupe would be disbanded for the master is still sleepy and unprepared.

Disturbed Inside Out

I have taken my life, today, and hurled it against a wall. Not from an impulse of self-destruction, but simply from a momentary seizure of frustrated feeling. And just like a bottle filled with a bitter fluid, my day was blown into a thousand little pieces. Fragments of all shapes and sizes -- scattered here and there.

I've picked some up. Examined them. Pondered their shape. Tossed some aside, saving three or four of the most interesting pieces, or the moat irrelevant. And now -- now I offer you these few shards.
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It was a fine Friday morning after waking from an excessive slumber after going through some notes for my nearing examinations. Sitting in front of my laptop, with fried eggs and coffee happily jumping into my stomach while reading the news on a local newspaper website. I read that the Prime minister wanting economic change and besides that everything else was rubbish, just articles on how bad humans can be. Sad--sad--

Since i was driven to the edge of boredom being at home, i got down to the university about 4 kilometres away. At the library, everybody was busy and anxious about their exam just hours later-- Gawd! it was noisy, it looks more like the market- selling answers perhaps?. Sitting by a couch staring into chirag's notebook figuring about the campus network- i watched across the crowded hall, the excitement in every student to compete with each other in a standardized test. It was full of movement too, and yet at the same time it looked like a still photograph. The art never seen and realized in tertiary education.

As soon as i got home, i studied as promised to-myself. An hour later, the words begin to float around and clearly i know i need to get more rest. Ah, dinner time- lucky me, there was sashimi on the table. Of course! it was my father's birthday. In case of conclusion jumping, i bought him gift. Surely he can afford anything better than i can, so its just a gesture that me and my brother still remember and more importantly-Care.

Off i zoom to pick Heidi from her place, got a little lost at first but finally found the way to her palace. When i stopped for waiting, i got a uncontrollable flashback- Where i was leaning against the wall on her living hall couch watching her sing 'The Greatest Love Of All', absolutely memorable because she was singing as if she was carrying the greatest voice of all that time. She walks to the car past slowly, -- as if carried with the moonlight. I admired her grace, amazing how she can walk and move her hair at the same time. Her footsteps were light and from what i can tell, her face looked glad that her transportation is here. She was attractive--however she is attached and loves her boyfriend very much.

Her image cut me deep. I was moved to the core. She was beautiful- lovely face with almost Roman nose, long wavy hair hanging over her radiant skin, so tightly clothed-i am not sure she can breath. But not only was she beautiful-- she was serene. Something about feminine girls. They always get to me. It not only made her more divine but it made her angelic. Then maybe its long since the last time a girl talked continuously in an honest manner to me, but every moment of the conversation was just pleasing to the ear. I listened attentively to her voice and wish she would never stop talking.

Last night I stayed up late. Getting to bed at about 3am. Trying to find sleep with a my mind fresh memories of the day's undertaking. As i lie there in a thousand sleeping positions, every time i close my eyes, i begin to undergo my friday all over again. And yet however, i could not find rest. My mind was pulsating like a heart injected with steroids. I was disillusioned,-- i felt lost. I refuse to believe what i think i know is the reason. I am my own challenge- i am a body on a bed with a great civil war.

And still, on the bed, i roll on.