A Fallen Figure. A Mess.

I haven't been writing. Not for days already and actually had no intention to write until i something worth writing turns up. My writing days are no longer only for myself in a hidden column on the impossible to imagine vast world wide web, i have reached a new stage where every sentence means even more than it means. On top of that, i have a targeted audience and i get excited just anticipating a feedback or reply.

However, i did not post this to justify.

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I have a fantastic multitalented friend. He is older than me and has went through much in life. I salud to his experience, i look up to him as a mentor, his authenticity makes me look equally at him as a very close friend, his many ability and remarks makes me wanna party alone all the time.

Perhaps he was truthful, but what matters is that his criticisms hit hard. Maybe i really can't get anything done right. Maybe i really should not talk too much anymore. Why do i always have to talk too much? I don't know. I don't know if it benefits anyone or more importantly if i annoy somebody. My ability to think and write now is affected by liquor, i feel like a mess. I am a mess.

I don't feel this shitty often, well at least for a long time. I could be anything except in my state now, i am dissatisfied. I deserve to be outside this containment of misery. To voice the reason to this misery is an embarassing issue itself, but then again since when do i feel embarassed. I am a walking, breathing contradiction~ right now, or always had been one but never realised so.

Ignorant.

It would be best described as a pity party. A one person party. Where one would drink down 20 shots alone to substitute with unconsciousness. I am fallen. The reason, of course, i am flooded with a sudden wave of worthlessness, so intense i can't stand. I can't find the strength to do so anymore. I don't know why, don't question me further, you don't have the rights to anyway.

I washed my face not too long ago after drinking not-too-many shots of bacardi. Just enough to feel warm. I stared in the mirror at the lad hiding in the mirror, i subjugate him and then interrogate him, he could only echo what i say exactly. How useless... I pity him, hence i decided to give him a break-a silence for him to recollect and assemble himself. My interrogation backstabs, strucks me somewhere i didn't know belong to me. As if i have an extra body part that i carried around for no purpose at all.

Its a pity party. Yay! The first sorrowful post. I beg the pardon of whichever fool which happen to drop in here and witness a solitary celebration. I didn't even plan this party, no catering, no invitations, all that was done was just to open up a bottle, pour and start expressing.

Ah! the person hiding behind the mirror that looks like me speaks alas. He speaks of encouragement, speaks of words from the bible, speaks of promises of God, speaks of how God have great plans for everyone.

How lovely it sounds, how i wish it comes true, how much even more i wish i can be assured of it by experience.

I don't know why. I laughed, i laughed in mockery~and in despair...
How i mock myself, i can't tolerate it. I want to bash and smash that person inside me~the exact part that mocks.

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Somebody help me get up.

Somebody help me clean this up.

Somebody help me get rid of me.


Don't nobody question me about this. I just really don't understand too.
I want to appear as i always have, a minimally troubled person. I want to be a strong Don~ the ultimate balance of king that constantly provide and assist, mentor that teaches, friend that connects and a warrior that protects. I want... but the sights of such fades away. I can't see the ground i stand, i am lost.