To Close My Eyes

The poem below is written for expression of the author when he is feeling very shitty and changed by one encouragement. I understand if some of you think this is ghey, i use to think people posting shiet like this on blogs are ghey but what the heck. Besides, don't know who actually reads this online scroll. I post this because i think this farked up exam deserves a highlight here and i already had so much grieve talk on exam previously and i need something different. Cheers.


To Close My Eyes

I look outside through my window pane,
It seems its forever the november rain,
Knowing my results went down the drain,
All i can feel inside is just pain pain pain,

Then i knew i need to be tough,
When i read a mail from my love,
A person who lifts me above,
Forever, she is my other half.

I breathe in hard,
and close my eyes,
Raise my hand towards to skies,
Dreaming only for a deserving prize.

Wish the lecturer's heart be filled with mercy,
Thus giveth us students many happy surprise,
God! i pray so let it be,
This, my devastated heart cries.

Bonjourno 2006

Today, a new year ambushed me. Appearing on my doorstep, announced loudly but the arrival of it was unnoticed. The marks of print appeared on the floor as if made by an invisible man, every print quickly recalls the immortalized beautiful memories in my mind; feeling them once again as if it happened yesterday.Each of them. Surely, it was good year, where everyday of the year, there was laughter. Regardless if i was laughing with someone or laughing with myself, even better if i made someone laugh.

So, i turned my head to look behind and stared at the year 2005 who is standing just by the cliff before it decides to leap down the valley of memories-- i was filled with an overload of memories. I didn't have time to come to my senses or even respond, as i look back, i couldn't find anything that i regret in the entire year. How could i not? I'm sure i must had did many regretful act, or perhaps said the wrong thing. I needed help to search for them. It appears, that my regrets and mistakes after time turned out to be not mistakes, and regrets that appears to be regrets were meant so for thankfulness. All weaknesses made into strength, all evil intention turned into blessings through the work of God. I can see now how he had been there for every situation; it has never been this clear.

I just want to stop!

and thank him.

to give tribute to him.
to stand up and cheer the loudest toast for him.
to weave a gift of blanket with endless string of praise to his name.
to lift all glory to Lord Almighty Jesus Christ!.

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A new year is dawning. Many takes the opportunity to create changes, and creating goals to achieve. Humorously, many fails all the plan mid year. I am one of the many. Even though, i have many goals that lived through the years with persistent faith. One of them is to gain weight, i had always a problem with weight. Everyone around me speaks of weight loss, the media always handsomely offering help to lose weight, with a price of course. Me, on the other hand is looking for serious help to gain weight for say several years now. Miraculously, it has been only 3 months now that i reside in england, and i gained 4 kilograms. Boy! I used to take 2 years just to gain 10 kilograms in the past.

I can see a whole year to be spent away from home. I can feel the loneliness for a thousand years. I can hear voices telling me to return. The tempting smell of estacy upon meeting family and friends, and above all-my beloved. It's almost enough to abandon everything and reach for it right away. The sanity and faith of which i do not know where it sources from keeps me together in reality and practicability. It teaches me of self control, of perseverance, and to be more farsighted than ever. The voice in my head speaks to me like a built in radio fm that can't be shut off, convinces me that the longer i spend away, the more estatic it would be when i return. I truly wonder how long i can last.

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Again like Christmas, New Year was entirely different from before...

None of the happening crowd that i use to encounter in Bukit bintang and Kuala Lumpur City Centre. No spraying at strangers, no liqour, no hotels. No getting out of control. Sigh.

I decided to accept Trayton James's invitation to some house party in far-don't-know-where-land. It was fun. Reaching early gives the opportunity to hit on some snacks before the little guest arrives. Was quickly introduced to Jack, Jenny, Louisa, and couple of dudes which i respectfully forgot their names. Talking to Louisa was very enlighting, to get inside the thought of a vegetarian who studies animal science. The party is just like any other party, just eat, chat, and some television entertainment. I was honestly lost through some topic of the conversation there, probably very british items. Never heard of it and it was entirely dull to me, no hard feelings englishmans. As usual, every new year, everybody witness a bunch of sticks fly up to the sky and blow into a million beautiful lights. I wonder whats the meaning behind it. The ritual of 'lighting up skies in greeting new years' has been an enigma since i was way small. Anyway, the ritual was done; Bonjourno year 2006!

I hope for more unknown blessings in this year. What can i say, i love surprises.

Fin.