De Surgery

I have fears, I have many fears i admit. But one particular thing that i am afraid of since i am young is dentist and whatever they do - especially extration of tooths.

In the year 2003, my orthodontist told me to remove both my wisdom tooth on health grounds. He firmly said that the wisdom tooth extraction would not be any ordinary method. It would require an hour surgery. I agreed. I shaked a bit while anticipating for the nurse to call my name,
"Chew Ryan". That is my own name, i acknowledged it for years and always respond to it with gladness. This time, the utterance of my name is similar to being sucked down a whirlpool in the middle of a calm sea. I walked it to the room hiding all my fears, put together tightly in a flesh container right inside of me.

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De Surgery took place instantly. I then have to face a big problem- a big needle, he said he need to give a few shots to make sure i don't feel a thing during the surgery. I gave a smirk, a smile filled with disbelieve. Not wanting to believe there is no way besides this. Before he inserted the needle, i could already feel the pain, the muscles on my face had already pulled in tension. The surgeon said, its already in where in fact its not. Then while i was busy thinking to myself, ' Hey it didn't hurt at all'. Then he gave it to me. Argh! Dude! Crap! Wah! Pain!. He asked me to hold still and keep the mouth wide opened, as i did he told me "Good boy". I went "Whatever".

I could feel nothing onwards, except that my mouth area has doubled in size. But it hasn't.

During the surgery, i was conscious. However, movement wise constrained. I am aware that he drilled and cut my wisdom tooth into pieces before removing it with a plyer like tool. I couldn't feel it, but i know it. Interesting hour.

I paid. I left.

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As soon as the numbness left, a generous amount of pain dropped by to visit and it gave me hell. On top of that, i could taste warm juicy blood every minute. When i looked in the mirror, even my teeth were all covered with blood. I feel like a vampire. One which thirst every night for the taste of blood, I drank blood for several hours before it was sealed by prayer. In that meanwhile, i actually quite enjoyed drinking blood, for no apparent reason. Maybe since i have so much in my mouth, might as well drink it rather than walking to the washroom to get it spit out. Besides, there will be no end to this flow of this enticing fluid.

I tasted a world of pain and experienced what's it like being a vampire.

Most interesting.

Cheers.

The Soul Of Solitude

I think I'm addicted to solitude. Actually, i know i'm hooked to solitude. Its the other side of me, a side that is utterly passive.

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I didn't plan it this way. It's just how nature had it installed for me. This thing called solitude often crawls in with any chance, always hoping to emerge dominant on my behaviour. Like a lion carefully stalking its prey. Trailing my every move--waiting to strike. And before I could defend myself it had struck. ~ Solitude, with its sharp curvy claws cutting deep into my shoulders. It's mouth drooling and panting on my neck. It left me defeated and beaten. Lying in a dark alley, a crumpled and roughened heap of black figure.

I had not a clue how it came about. Usually, I would have seen it coming. Usually, I wouldn't have left myself so open to attack, let alone complete subjugation. And yet, the facts cannot be altered. The evidence is before the jury and honestly speaking, I'm guilty of solitude addiction.

A crime equal to narcotics abuse.

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In my active days, those common days, I would fret when left alone for extended periods. My skin gets itchy, my toes would tingle and my muscles would twitch -- entire body demanding movement -- urging me with full effort to seek out company. Some would say, the normal instinctual yearning of beings for the recognition or acknowledgement of another. Company can always be found -- only depending on the effort I put in. The easiest way out of problem and solitude is just the distance between my knees to the ground and the eyelid to shut. Then with mind and heart focused upon Him, even the silent thought that I plan to speak~ he already know and acknowledge. Those thoughts are just drafts, which i haven't finalize, still searching for the right words to use ...

Its not fair, i haven't even got the chance to perfect my thought and He seen it.

Oh, the power...

of God.

For the recent period, God came in and out as if i was in control. Perhaps, i just lost the feel at certain time of the day, sudden peace and scare dancing around. I feel like a walking civil war, the America Civil War in 1861 was incomparable to mine.

He promised to be with us always. Amen (Matthew 28:20)

But sometimes, in these days, my thoughts would often scare me. The internal monologues constantly playing out between my ears. As if i am totally alone. Perhaps the neurotic conversations between one segment of the brain to the other. All these makes me afraid, afraid if God left me, as a result of my disobedience or pride.

Somewhere down in there, i know He won't.

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But now, no longer!. Those scary days are over. I should have known better, see clearly, that God is always with me. Foolish me to think and ponder over ridiculous thoughts.

I learnt something, i am also my own reliable companion. I am all this while, and i didn't notice. I presently embrace my passive side. I can now presently participate in the internal monologues and discussion. I argue with myself. I patronise myself. I critize and compliment myself. All in the company of myself. That prick who stares back at me in the mirror. The fellow who listens to my problems, agrees and disagrees, feeds me, and talks to God for me before i sleep each evening. The guy who raises his head and inspires me to do anything. I'm stuck to him.

Really stucked!

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My behaviour can be justified, i just took my D.I.S.C. Profiling Test. Answered it without reluctancy and after summing and calculating, it says i am an I/C. Classified as Inspirational Competent.


As you can clearly see, i have a balance. Like yin-yang.

Another step done in understanding myself.

Cheers all