Pawned By The Paper

Its the end of the day. I am frustrated. I am grieved. I am dissapointed-in myself mostly. The easiest subject of this semester had just owned me. How am i to face the more difficult papers? How am i to face the dreadful and difficult world in the future? I made mistakes that never disturbed me before, i panicked, i overlooked, i was careless, i deserve to be pawned, i deserve to die.

I got home and i have only one very clear feeling. I feel like quitting. Quitting engineering, quitting studies, quitting exams, quitting... life. I had commited the unpardonable sin-- the sin that i cannot forgive myself. How many gazilion times i told myself, no more careless mistake, no more overlooking. But then again, i am a lousy student, never once scored brilliant results in anything. Never achieved or accomplished anything significant. If i need to achieve something, i got to be in touch with myself. I need to communicate with myself, but how?

Speak mind, speak. Speak to me and tell me something I don't know. Speak to me like a friend and lover; an enemy and ally. Just speak to me and tell me something . . . instead of this endless confusion. Tell me I am great or tell me I am worthless, but tell me something.

Oh but it is all the same and at the same time different. I am a contradiction living in a contradiction. These words are ridiculous and at the same time profound. The work of a genius and the work of an imbecile. They are endless meanderings through a dying gesture. Maybe they will live forever . . . or maybe they are already dead.