The Blackhole
Recently, as some people may have noticed, I seemed to had drop off the map and disappear completely. And while that is partially true, my life, of course, has continued its journey to perseveringly drag on along its usual manner. The general standard of manic balancing act~ one day tipping to the bottom of despondency and the next day tipping back to extreme joy again. It is nothing but an endless game of see-saw, that for better or worse, is my life.
The truth is, a on the recent weeks I have been removed of many valuables. In layman's term, i was burglared, to a certain extent with mercy because my room wasn't empty. It was taken away so abruptly, so less expected, and so... so... brutally painful. It was the stealthiest stab on my ass with sharpest spear ever known to mankind, and as the spear was pulled away, it took my intestines and pancreas as well. Needless to say, the blow was immense.
The incident plays in my mind whenever i needed something that was stolen. No matter where I looked or what facet of my existence I pondered, everything comes to replay in my mind so clear as if it was recorded on Dvd, then everything seemed to be falling apart. Cobwebs seemed to appear and hanging from every corners of the ceiling. The chair i was sitting on fails and breaks throwing me lying on the floor helpless. The ground breaks loose and shakes off disconnecting from the ground and other pieces of tiles. Below the ground, it was empty. Just empty hollow space filled with dark unknown. The ground disintegrates causing my balance to go off and the next thing i know i was falling.
In the midst of falling and worrying, i was thinking about this and that.
Thinking about God.
Thinking about Me.
Then it sums up to God and Me. In the circumstance-- I became confused, my faith thick as chain appears to be breaking and on the verge of just letting go of itself. I blamed Him. I interrogated Him. I know its Him who allowed this to happen. I was told by myself that he has a good reason because nothing happens by coincidence. It sounded like a comfort but when i try to jump rest on it, that block of brick which sounded like comfort gives out itself and slaps me hard.
I self-imposed exile, i passed a judgement that i will be thrown to exile in the abyss. It was ironically funny. I was the one who decided to be resentful, to be in despair and consumed. I wasnt really expressing myself, perhaps i couldn't. All the choices of feelings that you can choose from jumps out begging to be picked, not one was suitable.
I want to say that i overlooked everything and everything was small. Even God looked so small at that point of time.
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Just a day later, yes a day. It didn't take long for God to knock on the door and say 'Whats up Ryan, you look like you got stuffs stolen'. Hanging at the end of your rope, how glad was it to see God sarcastically teasing you. All my accusations and questions existed no more. They were thrown out the window and replaced with Joy. Its a really ridiculously funny situation to be able to smile and laugh regardless of having the shittiest thing happened.
God is a humourous person. Yes with all my heart i mean it. Yes i am aware its not written in the bible, so what?. He created humor alright. He is the funniest person you can find, the most excellent stand up comedian, he does practical too once in a while~like this.
He sure know how to have fun. He created the whole situation to happen, the laptop was meant to be stolen. Or was it? I still think its absurd entirely because i lost a huge part of me. He made me put a CD into the laptop before i left the room for cooking dinner. I remember putting the CD in, but i never knew why was i doing so. I wasn't in the mood to listen to that CD. This CD is a compilation of many preaching sessions by an amazing pastor. Pastor Prince Joseph. The only way that burglar can justify himself is to repent upon listening to the gospel, and then perhaps he could conveniently mask himself and return my laptop and my belongings to me.
I tire of writing now, but what i have went through, what i have seen, what i have felt, all these i want to tell everyone. I cannot help sharing of what has happened. I found myself unable to transform those to words already. This is an event never to leave me.
On a note: I did feel so so so like Job in the bible.
The Lord Gave and The Lord Takes. The Name of The Lord is Worthy To Be Praised.
Amen.
The truth is, a on the recent weeks I have been removed of many valuables. In layman's term, i was burglared, to a certain extent with mercy because my room wasn't empty. It was taken away so abruptly, so less expected, and so... so... brutally painful. It was the stealthiest stab on my ass with sharpest spear ever known to mankind, and as the spear was pulled away, it took my intestines and pancreas as well. Needless to say, the blow was immense.
The stolen laptop was a big part of mylife, the writings, the pictures, the information all made up part of who i am. My freshly completed coursework was baked just hours before its departure to unknown. My novel. My memories frozen in picture form. All vanished. Just sucked into a blackhole that by Lord of the Underworld had to summon right next to it. The blackhole was not small, its power affected the nearby articles. My wallet and cellphone happened to be fellowshipping with my laptop were victims of such a catastrophe.
In the midst of falling and worrying, i was thinking about this and that.
Thinking about God.
Thinking about Me.
Then it sums up to God and Me. In the circumstance-- I became confused, my faith thick as chain appears to be breaking and on the verge of just letting go of itself. I blamed Him. I interrogated Him. I know its Him who allowed this to happen. I was told by myself that he has a good reason because nothing happens by coincidence. It sounded like a comfort but when i try to jump rest on it, that block of brick which sounded like comfort gives out itself and slaps me hard.
I self-imposed exile, i passed a judgement that i will be thrown to exile in the abyss. It was ironically funny. I was the one who decided to be resentful, to be in despair and consumed. I wasnt really expressing myself, perhaps i couldn't. All the choices of feelings that you can choose from jumps out begging to be picked, not one was suitable.
I want to say that i overlooked everything and everything was small. Even God looked so small at that point of time.
----------------------------------
Just a day later, yes a day. It didn't take long for God to knock on the door and say 'Whats up Ryan, you look like you got stuffs stolen'. Hanging at the end of your rope, how glad was it to see God sarcastically teasing you. All my accusations and questions existed no more. They were thrown out the window and replaced with Joy. Its a really ridiculously funny situation to be able to smile and laugh regardless of having the shittiest thing happened.
God is a humourous person. Yes with all my heart i mean it. Yes i am aware its not written in the bible, so what?. He created humor alright. He is the funniest person you can find, the most excellent stand up comedian, he does practical too once in a while~like this.
He sure know how to have fun. He created the whole situation to happen, the laptop was meant to be stolen. Or was it? I still think its absurd entirely because i lost a huge part of me. He made me put a CD into the laptop before i left the room for cooking dinner. I remember putting the CD in, but i never knew why was i doing so. I wasn't in the mood to listen to that CD. This CD is a compilation of many preaching sessions by an amazing pastor. Pastor Prince Joseph. The only way that burglar can justify himself is to repent upon listening to the gospel, and then perhaps he could conveniently mask himself and return my laptop and my belongings to me.
I tire of writing now, but what i have went through, what i have seen, what i have felt, all these i want to tell everyone. I cannot help sharing of what has happened. I found myself unable to transform those to words already. This is an event never to leave me.
On a note: I did feel so so so like Job in the bible.
The Lord Gave and The Lord Takes. The Name of The Lord is Worthy To Be Praised.
Amen.
posted by Chew Don Ryaniquel | 7:34 AM
1 Comments:
iHola mika,
Your empathy, encouragement and prayer suffices. It made hope brighter already, easier and more realistic to grasp on. I'm lucky enough that a friend who lives down the road purchased a new laptop, which means i get to borrow the old laptop from him for my perusal. Oh yes, been a singing and dancing lunatic in my room for quite often, its what anybody will do when they live oversea alone. Not entirely alone because i have friends but you know what i mean~ Thx Mika Once Again.
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